Where Have I Been?... Changing Into Lemonade

Changes are all around. I used to be afraid of changes, but am learning they occur for the better. It is amazing what can still be learned even when you supposedly can not learn more. This past week I have been involved in an intense soul searching type exploration and have learned a ton about myself. It's scary to see yourself flawed when your a perfectionist like myself, but also good because it means you are human.
I have had horrible things happen to me and have always been thankful they have happened to me instead of the people I love. Unfortunately though I hid them away and never dealt with them. Well as you can guess, they have come back haunt me. The last two years brought not so amazing times and why I fought so hard to claim me back, I continued to find myself three steps back. Insert first important note: even though they may have a license it does not make the therapist counselor, etc an expert. Please take the time to interview and question professionals in the field. Half my battle came from confusing and bad advice.
I found that I was hurting all my friends because I would try open up and could not express myself and would end up closing up and being standoffish. Also extremely selfish and unyielding. I was not me. I used to pride myself on my flexibility and capability of handling problems. I highlight this because I have come to realize people like myself push away and if someone is reading this is and is like me, do not do it. If you need,take time to be with yourself. Your friends are only human and can not take on your stress. It is hard because you need hugs and support, but you will only succeed if you put the work in. So my new action item is ask a friend for a hug or some time to do something fun, but leave it as a fun memorable thing, not a daunting always sad thing. They know and care, but life is all consuming sometimes. If you really need that support then find one friend. My biggest mistake was having multiple people. It just added to confusion and I could never really open up anyways.
More importantly is finding the right help. I was lucky enough to have a recommendation and it has been amazing. If you are lost, look at non traditional ways. My program was a mix of traditional group/individual and bible. It worked for me because I also wanted to gain more insight into my faith. Overall my point is that change can not always just be you. Help is an important aspect too, but it is finding the right help.
So yes, changes are happening. Both big and small and I am nervous about disappointing, but have the faith I may have finally figured it out. I will never forget my pain and what happened, but I also can not let it rule the rest of my life. My only hope is to find full healing and renewal at some point. Rushing gets you no where that is for sure. I think I am on the right path and ready to tackle what's next, one step at a time!